New Era Wrestling

N.E.W. THOUGHTS
By the Big Guy

Wow
“Wow”… That is all that I can of after witnessing the unbridled carnage of the NEW 6 th
anniversary show from the Buffalo Rose last night. I walked outside into the cool air and my mind was
swirling with thoughts and questions from an event which is unparalleled in the annuls of wrestling
history. I mean, the action was non-stop from the amazing opener between Adrien Matthews and Cody
Jones to the Main Event between Duff (Don’t Call Me Elmer) Doyle and Double J Jefferson James.
Wow… See? There I go again. Trying to digest everything from August 12 th is like trying to digest
and entire pizza and two pitchers of beer, (don’t ask). So, as I sit here reviewing the great show, certain
thoughts keep bouncing around the padded room that is my mind.
1. The Great Tony Morales was screwed of his rightful justice against Delta junior. For all of
you humanoids who Tony doesn’t like, (and that’s most of you), there is no way for you to
understand the utter disappointment of seeing some poor kid named BZB come out and
hearing him announce that Delta had some kind of shoulder injury and that he was taking
his place.
Don’t get me wrong… BZB had heart. He had guts. But, he looked like Snoop Dogg on a two
year fast. Seriously, my right arm weighs more than this poor kid who was sacrificed to the
Great Tony Morales August 12 th . As expected, Tony gave the kid an absolute wrestling
lesson, dominating his way to yet another victory. Then… the unthinkable happened.
Suddenly, the “shoulder injury” is all better and we have Delta Jr. in his Spidey Man
underoos popping up and attacking Tony, who was drained from carrying BZB all around the
ring.
Where is Steven Powers during all of this skullduggery? Why doesn’t he step in and instill
justice for Tony Morales? A man who feeds entire countries with his good will and unique
farming techniques. A man who saved Japan by elbow dropping Godzilla during the last
Godzilla attack of 2015? Steven powers always sticks his nose into everybody else’s
business… where is he now?
2. Which brings me to my next point. Steven Powers is just straight up abusing his powers.
Just look at the evidence! Vanity Inc and the lovely Alexis Vain, out of the kindness of her
heart, saves Cody Devine from being released by New Era. She saves his career and signs
him to Vanity Inc. While this disappointed several Japanese basketball teams and forced
Steven Spielberg to find another actor to play “Tall Guy #3” in his next film, it allowed young
Cody to continue pursuing his dream of being a professional wrestler.
For months, in spite of Alexis’ supreme advice, Cody has languished losing more often than
the San Diego Chargers when a championship is on the line.
Yet still, this big goofy kid gets a title match against Benjamin Cumberbatch? Wha?! Huh?!
Are you kidding me!? Then, to top everything off, Powers turns a blind eye as some unruly
fan interjects herself into the match. A match that Cumberbatch was dominating, by the
way, and she costs Vanity Inc the 5280 championship. I guess, now that Cody Devine holds
the belt, it’s now probably known as the 7980 championship.
But, I digress.
3. My third point is yet again on our crooked General Manager, who for all his flaws, makes a
mean steak and the way he turns a blind eye yet again, as Jefferson James was screwed by
Duff Doyle. Doyle not only uses a foreign object in every single match he wrestles… but, he
doesn’t even bother hiding it. Referee Mike Streno is no Dave Hebner, but surely even he

Wow

can see that rat infested toilet paper hanging out of Duff Doyle’s boot. I mean… does the
man use the facilities before each and every match? Is it so bad that he’s finishing the wipe
job on his way down the aisle? It’s obvious to me that poor Mike Streno has been instructed
by Steven Powers to simply ignore this foreign object.
The question is why? Is Steven Powers on Duff’s payroll? No, it couldn’t be that, Duff can’t
even afford to grow hair. Is Steven Powers… actually a member of the Duff Miitia?
SAY IT AIN’T SO!!
This type of corruption cannot be tolerated any longer.
4. Speaking of corruption. The FREE CHARLES movement has begun. Many fans were holding
their Free Charles signs and the chants of “Charles Rules” filled the Buffalo Rose like sweet
sweet music! Drew Steele may have the dulcet tones of a one man choir, but his outright
cruelty toward a lovely lovely man like Charles Duffy must come to an end. Charles, who
spends his days feeding the homeless and giving shelter to the hungry certainly deserves
better treatment.

None of these questions compares to the mystery of Danger Dean. Last night, featured the
return of the vaunted “Night Terrors” and let me tells ya… they was open for business. They were
dominant and they lived up to their name. They were victorious, leaving the humanoids hungry for
more. They were, of course, scheduled to meet the team of Danger Dean and the Miracle that is Tony,
(would someone PLEASE find this kid a better name), and depending upon who you ask, that’s exactly
what happened. But, to the trained eye… there was something different about Danger Dean. For one…
this version came with a sun roof. That’s right removable hair is a brand new feature of the 2017
Danger Dean, but that’s not all!
The new and improved Danger Dean comes supersized! Yes, he’s grown about six inches and
gained about 50 pounds! You could hear the humanoids swearing that this man was, in fact, the
mercenary Kevin Price. Obviously, being the broadcast journalist that I am, I felt a certain duty to all the
ham and eggers out there, to find out the truth. I started by asking a very reliable source after the
matches.
“Are you sure that was Danger Dean? He looked a lot like Kevin Price.”
He looked me straight in the eye, cool as a cucumber, and he said to me… “That was Danger
Dean.”
I replied. “But, my eyes… they say that it’s not Danger Dean…”
“I’m telling you… You’ve been misinformed.”
My damned eyes… they’ve done this before, but only after entirely too much alcohol and only
with redheads in tight fitting….
But, I digress. (I do that all the time, don’t I?)
So, the search continues. As I check into vague theories about gamma radiation and read the
backs of every milk carton in Colorado Springs… Danger Dean… might really be in Danger!! Who’d have

Wow
thunk it!? I mean, “Danger” is literally his first name! Now, he might be tied up in the back of a mini-
van on his way to being sold into slavery in the worst parts of downtown Iowa…
Which leads me to my final thought… Duelie Trailor. A former two time 5280 Champion has an
amateur background that is second to none. Yet, for all of his accomplishments, (including being an
author with his books being sold absolutely nowhere), Duelie is simply plagued by his eternal nemesis,
one Paloma Star. A woman who has been picking on Mr. Trailor ever since he was just a little flatbed in
Iowa. She has terrorized this poor man since childhood, taking his candy at Halloween and leaving him
with a simple “No has visto nada, entiendes?”
But, I digess… (Shaddap)
So, she comes all the way from Chicago to beat Duelie up… again. This time, she brought a co-
hort to the ring with her Skylar Slice and the two of them beat the tar snot out of poor Duelie… again.
You have to remember… Duelie had already wrestled once that night, finding defeat at the hands of
Chris Wrath, when he reportedly suffered a hangnail injury which forced him to quit and leave the ring
to seek tweezers… I mean, medical attention. I asked Duelie about the injury and he insisted that he
had an “almost” broken clavicle or sternum.
But, I digress.
Our “esteemed” General Manager, Steven Powers managed to poke his nose where it didn’t
belong and forced Duelie to fight two women at the same time. Now, what sounds like a party to most
men, is a street fight to Duelie Trailor, as his opinion on the fairer sex is well… how can I say this nicely?
Cave Man-like. So, Duelie felt his “almost broken” parts were okay and he took the match and then,
took a beating as he was the first one eliminated from the match that Paloma Star went on to win. After
Duelie’s elimination, the action was fast paced and full of impact and Paloma pulled out a great win and
dedicated it to her mother, in the audience.
So, there we go. If you weren’t in attendance last night… what’s wrong with you? The parade is
going by and you’re sitting on the curb playing with bugs! If you haven’t been out to a New Era show,
you’re just missing out. It’s that pain and simple. Every month, the men and women of New Era
Wrestling go above and beyond to entertain you humanoids… yes, even Drew Steele.
That’s all for now… from the Big Guy… whether you got fifty days or fifty years left on this
planet… live each day.